Morning! Oh, hello! You’re here already? Am I early? You’re diligent! Not to sound like a creeper, but I was just watching your nightmare. You…were? I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to see stuff like that. I thought I’d better get to helping you forget it as soon as possible! Aw thanks, Fenn. I’m used to it. You know, makes me wish I could see Vix’s nightmares. Are they like yours? No, not really. It just occurred to me that you know all kinds of things about everyone I know that even I don’t know! So, you know, feel free to get to telling me all the good stuff :):):) Hah, I’m not going to do that! Why’s that? Because if someone wants you to know the good stuff, they’ll tell you the good stuff! Psh, come on! It’s not as if any of them are real. I’ll tell you one thing—just to shut you up. OH! Okay. One thing is better than none-thing. Get telling then. I happen to know that Iridaeka fancies you. Iridaeka? Yep! No, she doesn’t. She does. Are you really that surprised? Well now, I have just one question: WHY haven’t you got to doing anything about this? You can’t tell me that and then not get to writing quick as a whistle! Maybe that can be how you get to repaying me for my valuable services. Oh, there’s suddenly a payment involved? Isn’t that how a job works? Fenn, please don’t give me any excuse to write your next story—I won’t stand a chance! How valuable have my valuable services been so far, by the way? Well, I’ve already almost forgotten about that nightmare-so, pretty valuable! Oh man, there are heaps of texts and a missed call from mum. Are texts the little messages on the rectangle you’re putting this conversation into? Yeah, that’s one of the main ways people communicate here. Why don’t you just get down to their place and talk face-to-face? Well, we can’t visit each other at the moment. Is that what’s getting you to being sad? I do wish I could see my family, but it will probably be a while. Well now, that’s even getting me sad! Yeah.
Back to bed already? I’m so tired! You don’t want to watch another movie? I couldn’t believe my eyes—or in this case, your eyes! There was so much happening all at once on that one fantastic rectangle. I didn’t realise rectangles could get to doing so many exciting things. In fact, I’ve always considered them one of the more boring shapes. How wrong I was! Noooo, rectangles are definitely one of the more boring shapes. They’re SO boring. But necessary. I couldn’t get to figuring out what was happening half the time though. Who was it who actually got to killing the lady with yellow hair? It was the guy. Which “guy”? There were three “guys” and they all looked exactly the same! HAHAHA. If they all looked EXACTLTY the same, how could you tell there were three? Well now, they had different names! Can you remember any of the names? Well…actually, I can’t! Can you? I can’t remember a single name from the movie. But you’re right: the guys looked kinda similar. They were going for an overdose of “tall, dark, and handsome”, I guess. Not that I know what handsome even means half the time. Were they handsome? Don’t ask me! Am I “tall, dark, and handsome”? You’re “delightful, delightful, and delightful”—an entirely underrated combination. Does everyone have brown or yellow hair in your world? OH! What colour is your hair? Brown: the rectangle of hair colours. You don’t like it? Haha, no I love brown hair—I just wanted to say “the rectangle of hair colours”. If you look in the mirror will I get to seeing what you look like? I guess so. Well now, get to it! But I can’t be bothered getting up. Besides, I’m looking like a crackhead. A crackhead? So, I hate explaining movies but here we go: it was set up to make us think it might be the “crazy ex-wife” of this guy who killed the yellow-haired lady for complicated reasons. But the truth was back when they were married, “the guy” had blamed the wife—who is his ex-wife in the movie—so many times for things she didn’t do, that she couldn’t tell anymore when something was actually her fault, so even she began to wonder if she had killed the yellow-haired lady. But it was actually the guy. I’m probably not explaining it well. Why…why would he do that—get her to thinking she did things she never did? Well, he didn’t want to take the blame for stuff and it was easier to blame her because she was an alcoholic who had blackouts. Is an “alcoholic” what Vix became? Yeah, sort of. Pretty much. And it was my fault. No, Fenn! Drinking is a huge part of your culture, and you’re biologically completely different from Vix! You couldn’t have known how it would affect him over time. I should have known earlier. By the time you figured it out, there wasn’t much you could do. Anyway, Vix was totally screwy long before you got to him. Why are we talking about him like he’s dead? He’s fine. He’s probably reading about northern cave slimes. Well now! I didn’t really get to understanding that movie too much. Are movies supposed to be impossible to understand? I would say “you’re just not used to it” but I can barely follow movie plots myself half the time, so I’m not the best person to ask. Why is that? I just start thinking about other things. I almost wish I didn’t understand it now! That movie was nothing compared to Dancer in the Dark. I cried through most of that—an hour straight, at least. Can we watch that movie? I don’t think I can take that one again yet. We could listen to some Björk though. What’s that? Music. Yes! I love it when Iridaeka gets to playing her strings. Can’t believe she fancies me. Belieeeeve it!
Well, what do you think? Do you like the sound of Björk? This is a real eartickler! It sounds a bit like music I heard in Gelgadivia. I wondered if you’d find it familiar. This is one of my favourite Björk songs. It’s called Hidden Place. Doesn’t it have a special sound? Yes, I like it so much I’m not even going to talk over the whole thing. What? It’s a miracle! Who knew it would take Björk to finally shut Fenn up? You know, when she was younger she even looked a bit like Iridaeka. So cute. Well now! Does she have long black hair? It is black. Oh, hang on. Shhh! SHHH? I can’t believe you’re shushing me. Belieeeeve it! This one’s called Bachelorette. It’s another one of my favourites. “I’m a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl.” How good is that? Vix would drop his brains over this. Yeah, he would. You really don’t get to talking to him like you talk to me? Nope! Why’s that? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t think he can help me as much. Maybe I don’t think he’d even want to talk to me that much, haha. What! He would too! Why would he? He has a hard enough time giving you enough energy, and he always has a lot to do. But you love him too, don’t you? Of course! Very much. He’s very special to me and always will be.
I hope being the second voice in my head won’t be too boring for you. I don’t live a very action-packed life. As long as we can get to plenty of talking, I’m happy. Of course! Right now I’m really tired, but I’ll keep sharing all the pictures in my head so you won’t be too bored, okay? Well now, I’ve already seen some scary things in those pictures! Yeah, sorry. They just pop in. I can’t do anything about it. Maybe I should have warned you. Why do you get to seeing such pictures? It’s just how my brain is! I try to drown them out with other things. Like daydreaming! I don’t know if this would be too weeeeeird for you, but I was thinking maybe now we could dream up some possibilities for my new story? I’m conscious that as one of my oldest characters it might feel a bit strange watching me develop new characters you’ll never meet, but if I know you like I think I do: sounds like a thrill, right? Well now, you know me plenty! I’m stupidly curious about these THIEVES. Haha, thieves? Stealing you away from me and Vix! Oh, don’t blame them. They didn’t steal me away. Different things are always stealing me from different other things. I was learning programming last week. And now that I feel like crap I’m like, “Why the heck was I doing that? HOOWWW the heck was I doing that?” Even though it was going pretty well…like, why? I feel like you’re not going to want to explain to me what programming is. Aw, I’m sorry. I’m so tired and you’re so curious. I’ll try to explain more things when I feel better. But for now: are you suuuure you want to see them? Yes, yes! I’m only joking. I’m excited, really! Okay, I’m gonna lie down. So tired. Try not to squawk like those birds outside. Me, squawk? Psh! I’ll be quiet as a breeze.
What’s the time? Well now, that was quite different from what I was expecting! It wasn’t uncomfortable for you? Not slightly! I know who my favourite is already. Haha, this is getting so weird, Fenn. Is it…Allo? No doubting it! He’s really…an anomaly? An Allonomaly? I could happily study him under the glass. Yeah, I love Allo. He really gets me thinking about perception. What do you think of Vinzis? You know, in some ways she’s a bit like Vix. Sharp! Maybe it’s because I haven’t got to knowing her that well, but I think if you picked her up and plonked her in our universe, I’d be terrified in a thoroughly pleasant way. HAH! Agreed. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling she’s darker than Vix. Well, you’d be right. Vix is very dark and there are definitely some less-than-delightful sides to him, but at his core I think it’s fair to say he’s uncommonly kind. Absolutely! It’s funny because he’s incredibly good at hiding his emotions, until he’s not. But even though he tries to keep them to himself, I think he takes them very seriously and considers their “voice” as logically as he can when making important decisions. Like, if he didn’t give his own deep, dark, teeth-clenching rage a glance from time to time, I’m not sure he’d be able to be half as brave. I dunno if that makes sense…I’m just thinking out loud. Well, actually I’m not. I’m thinking perfectly normally, haha. Hey now, you could easily be right! Aw, now I miss Vix. Me too :) I’m not sure how we ended up in your world, but that must have been surreal for you to watch yourself! I swear it wasn’t my doing—I was quite happy observing THE THIEVES! No, I know—it was me. I don’t think you can fully steer this ship…YET. Really feels like a story’s trying to unfold. Is it because I’ve been upset? Is it escapism? Or is it because the story should happen? I feel like if I started it would just pour out, but I’m supposed to be doing other things. Well, I won’t complain if you just caaaan’t help but get to pouring :):):) When it rains, it pours? Which reminds me, I think you’re going to get stuck with Raina. Stuck where? You’ll see. I shouldn’t say “stuck” with him. We both love Raina too. But you’re not going to be happy to be stuck. I don’t want to be stuck! Where am I stuck? I have business with Iridaeka! Vix might need her. Why would he get to needing her and not me? I’m the neededest of all! That makes about as much sense as these rectangle movies. Maybe I should write the next instalment myself. You’ve clearly scrambled your brains! Hahaha. But see, this is one of my problems—I get distracted from the thing that distracted me from the initial distraction. You should just get to being thankful you have such productive daydreams! They’re not always productive. You know what I got to finding really nice? That moment right before you’re about to fall asleep. It’s like you go from watching the world to actually melting into it, and all the colours are suddenly so vivid. And then you either get to falling asleep or you come out of it. That was SO relaxing! Yeah, I love that too. Those moments are special.
That’s why I’m not really sure what reality is. Like, if those moments feel real then are they? Which reminds me: I have a philosophical question for you. Well, well! You know I love to get my mind expanding! As long as it doesn’t explode in the process. Okay, think of one of your happiest memories. Got it? Consider it got. What is it? The first time I took Vix out on an expedition. Nice. Ah, the academy days! Even though he stole my job—bastard!—I was so excited he was giving me the time of day. Here we might call it “starstruck”, though Vix wasn’t a “star” in the typical sense. He was more of an anomaly, and we’ve established you can’t resist those. Not everyone was as thrilled by him as you were! Anyway, you didn’t give him much choice but to pay you some mind—you were aggressively friendly. Aggressively friendly? He didn’t know what to think of you—you were so cheerfully eccentric in your forcefulness of presence. I think he felt like you were just happening—like a tornado or a whirlwind—and there wasn’t much to do about it. You make me sound like I should be behind bars! Haha, I don’t mean it like that! Anyway, we’re getting distracted. Go back to the expedition and take a few moments to sit with that memory. Are you there? I’m as there as I can be, considering I’m not! Okay. Now, I’ll give you two choices. One: would you rather forget that memory entirely, but have knowledge that it definitely happened. Or two: would you rather remember it as vividly as you do now, but know that it never actually happened? That…what kind of question is that? It’s a philosophical question, you mind-expander! What would be the point of doing something if I can’t remember doing it? Exactly. So, with that expandingly in your mind, would you rather have gone on this expedition but not remember it, or would you rather know that the expedition never happened but be able to remember it as you do now? I…I suppose I’d rather remember…no, but I want it to have happened! Even if you can’t remember it? Well…that seems pointless. I love remembering it! If I couldn’t remember it, it would be like it never happened. This is quite a question! If the memory of something is what we really value, does it really matter where the memory comes from? Does it really matter if it comes from something real or not real? If we remember something, does that make it real in some sense? You’ve been spending too much time in your head, girl! It’s just something to think about :) Of course, don’t get to thinking I’m not interested in the question—I really am! But it’s like having a rock in your boot. Really? I think it’s a lovely question. Anyway, I’m too tired to type more now. I’ll put Björk on again and we can talk later. Is that okay? Perfect! You shatter my brain to bits and then just leave me to pick up the pieces? Aw, sorry! Let’s get listening to Björk. Perhaps you’ve got me thinking too much, but I’m getting to be strangely tired too!
Are you a secret introvert, Fenn? Why? It’s not like I’m alone! You’ve just been so quiet. For hours! I like the music! Besides, I’m actually quite self-sufficient. I hardly get to bursting into tears every time Vix or Iridaeka or anyone else leaves the room! I wake up and the day feels broken? Sounds about right-all these days are broken. I won’t be good for much. Maybe tomorrow will different. Yes, tomorrow will be different-I can feel it in your toes! Anyway, this is nice in its own way, isn’t it? Yeah, some of the best things are buried just under the surface of pain. As much as I hate to go through it so often, I see every spiral into darkness as an opportunity to dig some of those things up. That’s the spirit! Get digging while you can, I say! Especially considering you might not have as many chances now I’m around :):):) I hope so, Fenn. And once you’re up again, you’ll have me to help keep you steady. Do you think you could keep me steady for a whole month? A month would be amaaaaazing! It would be such a gift. I’ll write you into a thousand books as payment. Well now! Don’t get to making any promises you can’t keep ;) Good point, thanks. See how much I need you? One book, at least! One is plenty! I’ll keep you steady as long as I can. Who knows? Might be forever. I’m so lucky really. I have a tendency to be over-optimistic sometimes, but I can’t help it-I’m feeling pretty positive you’ll make a difference! If you do, that’ll lend a lot of weight to the phrase “you do you”. You do you? Because what I’m doing isn’t exactly normal, far as I know. I’ve never tried anything quite like this. Psh! Normal? Who cares? Better to be an anomaly than an aNORMALy, I say! HAH! Yeah. Who cares? Nothing and no one is normal, anyway. “Normal” is even more imaginary than I am!
Do you think if I document the process—or at least some of it—it’ll work better? Because I’ll be forced to remember you’re here for the sake of documenting it? How could you forget I’m here? I’m thoroughly offended! No, but, you know…I told you about the slime-wrigglers! They make me forget everything! I’m just kidding. I plan on making my presence so undeniably present that it’ll be impossible to forget. AGGRESSIVELY FRIENDLY, you might say. Haha! But if you think it would help, get to it! I wonder if people will think I’m nuts. Not to be repetitive, but WHO CAAAAAAAAARES? :) Right! I almost forgot. Who cares? Can we get to watching a movie now? I want to see more things happening on the magic rectangle! That’s really the last thing I should be doing, Fenn. I haven’t worked for ages. Can we get to watching the rectangle after you do some of the things that aren’t the last thing you should be doing? I wouldn’t usually stare at the rectangle this much, but I suppose there’s nothing usually about today! And I’m so tired. Rectangle!
Are the movies you’re showing me your favourite movies? No, I just can’t be bothered to find anything that’s not on Netflix. And before you ask, Netflix is a place with lots of movies but a lot of them suck. Suck what? No, they suck. Suck…what? It means they’re bad. They suck? Yep. Haha! Why not? Is this another movie about an alcoholic? Looks like it. Are all movies about alcoholics? Hah, no! It’s just a coincidence. Would you rather watch something else? No! I’m happy. I’m fine. The one with the brown hair is scared of going outside. Yeah. She has agoraphobia. Is that what you have? No, I haven’t been diagnosed with that. Does that mean you don’t have it? I don’t think I have it. I have other things. But who knows? WHO CARES? Oh, look! She hates taking out the bins too! I hate that. I do like that this character is a psychologist with agoraphobia. She does therapies for the mind? Yeah. And she can’t go outside? Nope! Are all the movies in the rectangle violent? No, not all. I just find this type of movie more distracting. Not to dampen your enthusiasm for the rectangle, but I find a lot of movies quite boring. Boring? I don’t think anything’s got me sitting still in one place for this long in my entire lifetime! How do you get to finding this precious rectangle boring? Haha, I don’t know! But I do know this: if we keep talking through the movie, this post is going to be SO long! Isn’t that good? Books are long. It’s like a book! This isn’t meant to be a book! This is an experiment. At this rate, it’s going to be a mind-numbingly boring and unreadable experiment too! What’s happening? Why doesn’t it make sense? It’s actually similar to the last movie in many ways. Are all movies about these topics? Haha, no—it’s just a coincidence. Maybe it’s a popular subject right now. So, tell me if I’m putting this straight: certain subjects get to being popular and then people make movies about them and they put the movies in this rectangle? HAHA. Could I get to being in a movie, if I was a popular subject? I would love to see you in a movie, Fenn. HAH! I wonder who would play you. Play me? Act your role. Wouldn’t the best candidate to be me be…me? No, it’s like in a play—it’s just actors! Everything in the rectangle is done by actors? Besides, you don’t have a physical presence in this reality! You would have to play yourself through me, and I’d make a terrible Fenn :D I can’t think of who’d be perfect to play you. Whoever it is, they’d have to be “delightful, delightful, and delightful”. But who’s that delightful? Not many people are noticeably “delightful”. I remember thinking the blonde guy from Year of the Rabbit was quite delightful, but it’s been a while since I saw that. I’m not sure if he’s much like you. Was he “delightful, delightful, and delightful?” He was at least “delightful and delightful”. Too bad the second series got cancelled. There were so many hilarious, grotty lines in that. Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. You’re not gonna be in a movie, Fenn! Hey now, you don’t know that! I might get into the rectangle :) So is she crazy or have they all just somehow gotten to thinking she’s crazy? I don’t even know what crazy is. I don’t even care. You seem worse! I’m supposed the be helping you. Should we get to doing something else? I’m sorry about insisting on the rectangle. Don’t be sorry! I want you to enjoy yourself. Oh, she’s laughing. I think some people just never stop finding funny things funny, even if otherwise they’ve set up camp right in the middle of Despairville. Sometimes I laugh at the worst times, but it’s because something was funny! I’m going to go back to feeling like hot garbage two seconds later—don’t even worry about it. Well now, we have that in common. I couldn’t keep a well-deserved laugh in if there was a knife at my throat. Time travel might be possible. Or parallel universes. Should we get sitting on the balcony instead? No, it’s okay, Fenn! It looks nice on the balcony. It’s too cold. Oh she was right about everything she saw! Of course she was. I don’t know how I’m going to make dinner. I’m going to go back to bed and hopefully the energy will magically appear by a reasonable time. Her agoraphobia is cured? Looks like it. I’ve been zoning out. That’s fantastic! Haha, yes. That’s fantastic. Aren’t you lovely? I am, yes.
I think you were happier before the movie. Is the rectangle bad for you? Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. It’s not that bad though—don’t worry. I probably just didn’t feel like a movie. Why did you get to watching a movie if you didn’t really want to? I dunno. We’d better get to making you happier again! Don’t the birds outside sound funny? Yeah. I should have a shower. I’m sooo dirty, LOL. But I can’t be bothered. I don’t know how to encourage you to have a shower without sounding like a peeper. HAH. You think I’m going to try and hide anything from you at this point? Well, I don’t know! I’m not assuming anything about anything, especially when it comes to showers. That’s probably wise. I’ve never been a second voice before! Well, as far as I’m concerned if you can see my nightmares, you might as well see everything. Who knows, maybe if we get really good at this you’ll take over me entirely. Might be better that way! Take over? That’s not the plan. Where would you go? Dunno. No, no! I’m not having talk like that. I don’t want to take over. Wouldn’t you like to exist all the time? I’d love nothing more than to exist all the time, but not at your expense.
I guess I’ll have a shower! Maybe not being filthy will somehow make me starving. We can always eat tablespoons of Nutella to get the calories up. Is that the delicious brown stuff that’s delicious? Haha, yep. I could get to eating that all day! But shower. It’s always so friggin cold. I’ve been freezing for like six months straight. You know, you’re the emotional equivalent of an electric blanket. I’ve barely gotten out of bed all week because of that friggin blanket! Haha. I don’t think it’s just the blanket. It’s like every time you get out of bed all you can think about is going back into bed. Yeah, that’s actually unusual for me. Usually I want to get stuff done enough that I will be able to leave the blanket. I can sing you a tune that’ll put the bounce back in your feet. You’re a godawful singer, Fenn. Truly the worst I’ve ever imagined. My singing might sound better coming out of you. Well, we can try it. I do quite like singing in the shower! Do you think the neighbours can hear? WHO CARES? WHO CARES? WHO CARES?
See now! Hasn’t my singing improved a leap? That was quite a nice melody—maybe I’ll turn it into a sick track! I heard Iridaeka play it a few times. Do you feel better? I feel cleaner. Well, for our current purposes, let’s assume that’s the same thing. Still not hungry. Well, I am! Will you get to eating something for my sake? When you put it like that…it’s a real effort though. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but that’s for tomorrow to decide.
I’m so glad to be back in bed. So tired. What do you think of this weird “dessert”? The texture of this reminds me of what they used to feed us in the military. I’m not ecstatic about that. Aw no, didn’t think of that. Is that upsetting? I don’t think I was there long enough for it to be that upsetting. But like I said: I’m not ecstatic! Flavour isn’t totally disgusting, though. Ever the optimist. What is this, exactly? It’s a “protein powder custard”, apparently. Do you like it? I’m not usually very fussy, but I don’t think I can get through this. The texture is all kinds of NOPE. Well, imagine me having no alternative! The stuff they forced down our throats wasn’t half this sweet. It was AAAALLLLL TEXTURE. My dad used to complain about boarding school porridge having tennis-ball-sized lumps in it. I’m lucky I can choose what I get to eat. So now! You can manage one more bite. Okay, fine. Gross. What should we do now? Well, we went to the trouble of typing this so we might as well post it somewhere. And then people can get to reading it? Maybe. I’m not sure what’s in it for them, haha. I think this is for me, really—so that I’ll be forced to practise having you around all the time. Not that I need to be forced to want you around. I’m so happy you’re here. But I can’t exaggerate enough how easily I forget about even stuff I really want to do. Well now, I do actually understand that. I’d probably get to forgetting my own name if Vix wasn’t kind enough to speak it regularly and with varying degrees of disapproval. And then what? If there’s time, I was thinking of writing a bit of YOU! Me? Really? :):):) What about Allo and company? Oh, they’re not in a hurry. I don’t think they even know they exist. You’ve really helped me out today, and I’m going to need a lot of help in the next few days as I try to GET BACK ON TOP OF THINGS! Like, a lot of help. That’s what I’m here for! I’m so grateful. It’s been a hard day in some ways, but it’s also been a really lovely day in other ways. It’s the least I can do. Well now, I’m so excited I’ve completely stopped regretting that scary custard! But I’m not sure I’ll be able to write much. It might even just be a paragraph—to get it started. Of course, don’t get to pressuring yourself! Just make sure you don’t forget about the Iridaeka situation :):):):):) Don’t worry, I won’t! But the version of you in the story won’t know about anything we’ve discussed today, okay? You won’t even know about me. But the version of you in my head will remember everything in the story! Maybe tomorrow you can give me your opinion on what I wrote. This is fantastic. I haven’t existed this much in AGES. I feel so…alive? As far as I’m concerned you deserve to REALLY be alive, Fenn. Thanks again for today <3 :) <3